Jaded

Where do I fit in?

...this has been a question I've been asking myself for quite a while now. Several years. I think I've mostly got to the point where I can answer it in relation to life in general - I don't. But I also shouldn't have to. The world pressurises us to conform, but "Bollocks to that" I think i prefer being somewhat individual.
Besides, everyone's different and not aspect of life can be "One Size Fits All" - no one thing can be right for everyone.

You can already see how that affects my view of Politicians. As they either try to make one thing work for everyone, or just go for what works for the majority. Often being out of the majority, this doesn't always sit well...

Of course, this does rather impact on my Faith - or rather, my problems with it. Namely that I don't really have any. Not any more.

Christianity does seem to try and adopt a "One Size Fits All - No Exceptions" kind of policy. Or, at least, the human element of it does. And God doesn't exactly make himself open for interrogation - not to the extent that a hard-facts person wants or needs.

The factor in the Depression. OK, it's getting better. But it's one thing that really screws up trying to figure faith out. Those who don't understand depression simply can't understand the viewpoint - and tend to focus on the quote from Matthew 6:27

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

NIV

Yeah, worrying is pointless. But knowing that doesn't stop you worrying. In fact, it often makes you worry about why you worry when little seems wrong.

Also those who do understand Depression can't realy help either. As they know that there are no easy answers.

I think I outgrew it all, to be honest.
I still believe in God. I still value the basis that formed my current ethical and moral compass. (Not perfect by Christian standards. But, hopefully, still a mostly Good Person)
I still believe that Christianity is, in the majority of cases, the Right Way...

...but, hypocritical or not, I can no longer trust or follow.

Like I said before, one size doesn't fit all. What's right for many won't sit well with everyone. And that's just the start of my issues. We're supposed to concentrate on the next world, not this one. Well I'm sorry, but I'm stuck in this one right now, and surviving it is taking up all of my resources.

I used to have Faith. I used to have prayers answered.

Until it mattered.

The prayers that really counted, that didn't seem somewhat frivolous, they didn't get an answer. Or, at least, they didn't get the answer.
I didn't want this Depression. I didn't want to be unemployed for years rather than months. I didn't ask for any of it, in fact I asked to be spared it.

I also asked that a young married woman from my old church in Hampshire would be Healed of cancer.

Neither prayer was answered.

That was 1999. Things didn't get much better. Also, when I stopped praying they didn't get appreciably worse either.

I guess I feel let down. God knows how I feel. I have still talked to Him on occasion - why not? I can't exactly lie to the Creator Of Everything, can I?
But I feel let down, betrayed. And for something that never really gave me any appreciable fullfillment.

Maybe I'll change again. Maybe I'll turn back. But for now (and for a whlie already) I need to find my own way.

Maybe I can't do any better, but I truely believe that I'm no worse off on my own.