Rants Archive

[This is taken from a LiveJournal post of mine yesterday.
Somewhat edited for language.] My Current Moods I'm so fed up at the moment. I mean I'm really fed up that things just don't ever seem to work out. I'm skint - still. I'm unemployed - still. I'm depressed - still. I just can't seem to get my head together long enough to actually do anything about any of it. I really hate being unemployed, but although I need a job (and can probably handle having a job) I still find that actual jobseeking just sets off irrational feelings of anxiety. And I hate that! I can't deal with all of this rubbish right now. I can't be any of what makes me me. It's like yet again, my brain is several steps ahead of where my life is. I have knowledge, skills, and learning potential in lots of things I just can't afford to do right now. And much as I want to shut that part of my head off for a while, I just can't. I am a Techie, a Geek, an Engineer, or whatever it is. And I can't just turn that aspect of myself off because it's not viable at the moment. The problem is, it's one of the few parts of myself that I actually get any real sense of worth from. I just want to be so much more than I am. I know I'm capable of it, and sometimes I think that makes it worse. I have a degree, and professional IT-work experience. Yet every fortnight I still have to queue up at the fucking Job Centre, and realise that for all that I've still not amounted to much more than people who've never been past GCSE or A-Levels. And sometimes I even feel inferior to the people who never got as far educationally as I did. After all, I've had the breaks that Society says should put me several steps ahead of them in Potential. But I'm still Signing On, still looking for work, still feeling like a slacker half the time. I know that having Depression couldn't be helped, but it still makes me feel like I've done something wrong to waste my potential. Like maybe there's more I could have done after Uni, or even in Uni. When, in Reality, it felt like it was all I could do to just stick it through to the end. Why can't I ever seem to just get my life together? After all, it's supposed to be in my hands to sort myself out, isn't it?

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